only help my unbelief


Thoughts before bed
November 24, 2008, 10:44 pm
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On the way home from the gym, I had this thought: “What’s the point of life?” and I had this realization that people who don’t know God must feel as depressed as I felt all the time. I almost wanted to sink into a hole until I remembered that oh yeah, God exists, and as my little Sunday schoolers say, God made us “fo His own gwowy.” Lord, may I glorify you.

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I’m really enjoying writing in these little vignettes, in case you can’t tell.

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I had dinner with a dear friend tonight. We talked about all the things we always talk about: church, getting married (for the record, I’m not engaged yet. Oh, you didn’t ask? Sorry.), and having lots of kids by means of not using birth control. Our conversations are always hilarious because we act as though we’re trying to convince the other of our arguments, even though we both completely agree. It is good to have friends who don’t think exactly like you, I know, but I also think it is good to have at least one friend who is just like you. Because then you don’t always feel crazy.

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My mother likes to watch The Hills. I’ll leave it at that. She does watch it with my 14-year-old sister, but is that any better, really?

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Speaking of my mom, she actually sounded really impressed tonight when I told her that Christian and I were eating dinner with a couple from his work tomorrow night. “It’s great that you have such a social life,” she said. Thanks, mom.

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Tennessee beckons to us on Wednesday, and I couldn’t be more excited. We’ll actually get to relax and enjoy time with Christian’s family, not to mention a wonderful car ride with music and podcasts and conversation.

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I think I’ve found my blogging passion again.



No fitness, but lots of links
August 29, 2008, 2:25 pm
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Well, as I said at the beginning of the week, I wasn’t promising much in the way of posts. This week has been busy with babysitting, job hunting and one pretty fun Carolina football game that I wasn’t expecting to get to go to.

In two hours or so I’ll be heading up to Tennessee with Christian for Labor Day. We’re excited to get to spend time with his mom and stepdad and with all his friends from school and church.

I have a lot of posts in the works, but for today, I’m going to point you to some stuff from around the web that I’ve found really, really interesting.

* McCain announced his VP pick today – Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska. Back in April, before she was on any radar whatsoever, Al Mohler wrote a post about her son, Trig, who they chose to have even though they knew he had Down’s syndrome. It’s a compelling story that flies in the face of everyone who not only believes in abortion, but those who believe in selective abortion.

* The Boundless blog is running a series of posts by David Powlison about mental disorders and medication. Read part 1, part 2 and part 3, then read a clarification Powlison wrote today. I really appreciate this series, because two years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and the remedy most people recommended was just to take medicine. It was a decision I struggled with for a long time. I think it’s important for every Christian to read posts like these in order to love and serve their brothers and sisters in Christ better.

* Finally, if you haven’t read it yet, check out Donald Miller’s opening prayer at the Democratic National Convention earlier this week. I’d be interested to know what you think.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, a blessed Lord’s day, and a relaxing Labor Day. I’ll see you Tuesday!



From online to long distance
July 9, 2008, 6:00 am
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Note: This post is part 2 of “How I met Christian.” You can read part 1 here.
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After I headed home to South Carolina on April 9, 2006, reality sank in.

Sure, I’d met an awesome guy through the Internet by the providence of God, but now I was back at school, taking 19 hours and trying to work part-time during the week. I hardly had time to be, let alone stay in touch with a boyfriend. Before it had been official, there weren’t many expectations. But now that I had met this charming young man and he had expressed interest in pursuing a relationship with me, I really wanted to talk to him!

As exciting as our relationship was, it came at an interesting time. It came at the right time, I know, because God is sovereign, but in the couple of months before I met Christian in person, I had started having sleeping problems and panic attacks. It wasn’t because of Christian initially, but once we started dating, the problems were compounded.

Even though he had remained firm in his commitment to me, I still wasn’t sure if he really meant it. And it didn’t matter how many times he told me, I still just wasn’t sure.

As you can imagine, this was a hard time for both of us. I wasn’t trusting God or Christian, and he was 400 miles away trying to do well at school and spend time with friends and still be there for me.

I wish I could say that the problem quickly subsided, but it didn’t.

Instead, the anxiety turned into dependence, which turned into some behavior that I’m pretty embarassed about and would rather not disclose completely. In short, the summer after we met, I dishonored my parents, ignored most of my friends (which really hurt them) and didn’t really resolve any of my anxiety about Christian.

And so that summer was a rocky time, and not indicative of what our relationship would become. I get really sad thinking about all the opportunities that I wasted during those months, but God is a good and loving God who redeems bad things for good. It took me a while to see any good out of those things, but if nothing else, I can see that God sustained me through a period of time when I deserved grace less than anyone.

At the end of the summer we had almost two weeks together. He stayed with some friends of mine in Columbia, and we got to see each other every day. This was good, but almost too good. When he went back to school, it was really hard for me. Over the summer we had been able to talk pretty much whenever. But now he had a schedule and so did I, and we had to fit each other in.

The first semester of my junior year was rough, because our relationship was really and truly long distance. He wasn’t just some guy I talked to through AIM who I thought was really great. This was someone who was pursuing me, who wanted to know me better, who wanted to know my family and friends, who really and truly loved me. The only thing was, he was a six-hour drive away.

We managed to visit each other fairly often. He came down for an Andrew Peterson concert. I went up for our six-month anniversary. He came down for fall break. I went up when we had a Monday off school. But the fact remained that we did not live in the same town, we didn’t get to see each other much, and it was really, really hard.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel, though it was a temporary light. After Christmas 2006, he was going to spend six weeks in Columbia… before he went to Germany.

To be continued.