only help my unbelief

After 47 days of waiting, 1 day changes it all
September 26, 2008, 7:50 am
Filed under: Posts

“It happened so fast,” my mom said at dinner last night.

“I guess you could say that,” I said. “But then I remember I haven’t had a job since August 9.”

As I counted out how many days that was, I kind of surprised myself. Forty-seven days.

In many ways, the title of my blog has been the theme of the last month and a half.

Lord, help my unbelief.

I couldn’t count how many times I felt myself on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump off with abandon. How many more job applications could I submit? Would I really have to type in that phone number one more time? Honestly, I hoped that for most of them, they weren’t even bothering to look at my resumes. Because if every place I applied called all my references, I was going to expect a few e-mails from former professors asking me to please not list their phone numbers as a reference anymore.

Wednesday night, I went to bed sobered at the realization that my checking account was, eventually, going to be emptied out. Babysitting consistently had prolonged the inevitable, and the late arrival of my stimulus check had helped, but I didn’t have a consistent source of income. I calculated out my expenses for the month of October and had enough, but after that, what was I going to do?

Lord, help my unbelief.

Thursday morning I woke up to my cell phone ringing.

“Chelsey, there’s a company that wants to interview you,” said the woman from the temp agency. “Can you go this morning?”

I jumped in the shower, pulled out my suit, and headed to a company that’s maybe five minutes from my house.

The interview was mostly small talk about how much growth there’s been in our area. He did ask me if I was detail-oriented. I think most of you probably know my answer.

Nothing bad happened, but I left disheartened. What if I didn’t get this job?

Lord, help my unbelief.

In tears and heartache, I drove home and crawled into my bed. I felt like staying there forever. That I was discouraged would be an understatement.

I was tempted to stay there all day, but in my despair, I cried out to the Lord.

Lord, help my unbelief.

And in the whisper through which only God can speak, I knew that I had to get out of bed. I changed into comfortable clothes and called Christian, telling him I would meet him for lunch. After lunch I went to Starbucks, armed only with my Bible and notebook. As I headed to babysat for several hours for some dear friends, I thought about what faith really is.

Jesus said that faith is still faith even if it’s as small as a mustard seed. And yesterday my faith was probably smaller than that. But God was gracious in giving me just enough faith to get out of bed and do what I would have done if I had felt completely fine. And in doing those normal things, my heart was being trained by the Spirit to trust God even when I didn’t feel like it.

Though my flesh was weak, God made my spirit willing.

Lord, help my unbelief.

I was told I would know today if I had been offered the position.

At 4:45 yesterday, I got a phone call.

In the middle of coloring Hello Kitty pictures with M.W. and S., the woman at the temp agency told me I had been offered the position.

It’s not a glamorous job, and I won’t be making thousands upon thousands of dollars.

It’s not the kind of job I’m proud to tell people I have.*

But I think the rollercoaster of the past 47 days has taught me that God really does oppose the proud, but He gives grace to the humble.

And so I accepted the position, praising the Lord in the middle of sorting out crayons. I shot off a quick text message to Christian and quietly rejoiced while I continued to babysit.

On the way home, tears flowed freely.

My unbelief is not cured. I still don’t know what the future will bring. But in one day, God fulfilled promise upon promise.

He did not leave me or forsake. He gave me new mercies. His grace was sufficient.

Next time, I think my heart will be a little more ready to believe.

And that’s what sanctification is all about.

* I’ll be working at a manufacturing plant super close to my house. It’s an 8-5 work day, and I’ll basically be doing administrative work, mostly data entry. The people who work there are very nice, the atmosphere is casual, and it’s a growing and thriving industry. Thank you to everyone who has been so gentle with me during this time, and for all of you who have let me know you were praying for God to give me contentment. “Taste and see that the Lord is good!”


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