only help my unbelief


Online boyfriend FAQs
June 13, 2008, 9:09 pm
Filed under: Posts

Approximately 30 people have found my blog by searching for something related to online boyfriends. I thought I’d compile their searches and other questions I’ve been asked over the last two years into one FAQ section. I hope it helps.

Is the best place to find a boyfriend online?
I have no idea. I only had one boyfriend before Christian, and we met in one of my college classes. It didn’t turn out so well, but I don’t think that means that all relationships that start that way end badly. God is sovereign, and He appointed the Internet to be the means by which Christian and I would meet. There is no “best place” to find a boyfriend; the “best thing” is to trust the Lord, seek holiness and sanctification and surround yourself with godly people.

Did you meet in a chat room or at a place like Match.com? What do you think of those sites?
Hopefully you read the story of how I met Christian. We met through our Xanga blogs. I haven’t visited a chat room in years, and I’ve never been to match.com. I’m glad we didn’t meet that way, because if we did, we’d probably have to star in one of those cheesy eHarmony commercials.

What kind of expectations should I have for my online boyfriend?
If this seems like a random question, I kid you not: Someone found my blog looking for an answer to this question. My relationship with Christian was only “online” for about a month, so I’m no expert, but I think the answer to this question is fairly simple: the expectations should directly correlate to the seriousness of the relationship. A relationship that is only grown through instant messenger is not serious, so expectations should be low. You shouldn’t expect him to always be there; he’s not attached to his computer at his hip. You shouldn’t expect him to always know how you’re feeling; it’s difficult to convey emotion through typed words. In fact, the only expectation I think you should have is that if he is serious about the relationship, it should move offline ASAP; that is, no relationship can really grow without spending time with the person in context.¬†Christians in healthy relationships moving toward marriage spend time in groups, with each other’s families, and have appropriate conversations in non-private settings.

How do you get to know someone through a computer screen?
Bottom line: You can’t. You can know about someone, but you can’t really know them. I knew what kind of sense of humor Christian had, and I knew his favorite movies, but until I spent time with him, I didn’t know how he took care of his friends, or how he dealt with sudden conflict, or what he did when things didn’t go his way. Those things are easy to get hidden online.

What is it like meeting your online boyfriend for the first time?
As I mentioned in my “How I met Christian” post (the page is to your right), it was incredibly awkward. We hadn’t talked on the phone until that day, and then only for about one minute, so all at once I was getting used to him, his voice, his personality. Don’t expect that it won’t be awkward.

How did you explain your online boyfriend to others?
With care and sensitivity. I don’t lie. If nothing else, I say we met through a friend. Sometimes that’s all people want to know. If I have enough time to tell the whole story, I do. But understand that I’m at a different stage now than I was two years ago. Now, I have a track record with Christian. People who ask that question now have generally met him and know he’s the real deal. I think in the world today things like this are getting more and more common. I kind of hope my kids don’t meet their future spouses online, but if they do, I hope I’ll be understanding.

Did you talk on the phone, or just on the computer?
We talked on the computer only until we met in person. Once we met in person, we stuck to the computer for another two months or so. It was just easier because we had different cell phone services. Once he started a summer job and didn’t have internet access, we talked only on the phone. Phone was it until he went to Germany in February 2007, when we were back to online again. Now, sometimes we talk through Google Chat if I’m working on my computer or something, but we stick to the phone – or in person – most of the time.

How do you transition from an online relationship to a “real” one?
God was gracious to me and Christian. Once our relationship moved offline in April 2006, it was still long-distance, so there were other struggles. You have to have realistic expectations, and you have to trust the Lord’s timing. I waited more than two years for Christian to live in the same place as me, and even now, we only see each other a couple days a week because of my job. Everyone’s situation is different, and so every transition will be different.

What did your parents think?
That’s kind of personal, but one I want to at least acknowledge. Christian and I didn’t handle things well at first, so it took a while for my parents to really get to know him. You should be honest with your parents and communicate as much as possible. If you’re a girl and a Christian, your parents are still your authority and you should respect whatever they say. I didn’t do this perfectly by any means, but it’s the first advice I would give someone in my situation now.

Can online relationships last?
Well, not if they stay online. But if you’re able to transition into offline, of course! God has blessed me with a wonderful relationship with Christian, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, trust that the Lord is in control, and He will bring about what is absolutely best for you!

I hope this helped someone who stumbled onto my site. If you have any other questions, leave a comment, or email me if you’d prefer to be anonymous on my blog.

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