only help my unbelief

Things I don’t want to say out loud
June 7, 2008, 8:24 pm
Filed under: Posts

It was one of those days. You know, the kind of day that starts out rough, stays rough, and you go to bed thinking, “Man, today has been so rough.”

If you were to look at my life from far away, you’d think I have a lot of things going for me. Blessings abound – from material things, to family, to friends, to church.

But get in there, peer into all the nooks and crannies of my heart, and there’s not so much that’s right.

Christian and I were in the car and I started complaining about some of the things I’m struggling with right now. He called me out on complaining, though he did so with gentleness. But as much as I was saying to him, there were some things I just didn’t want to admit to him. When we got to my apartment, the car was full of groceries, many of which needed to be put in the fridge soon. But instead of going inside right away, he insisted we stop – and pray.

This was pretty much the last thing I felt like doing. I told him that. He said that’s when we most need to pray (Why does he make so much sense sometimes?).

He prayed first, and then I did, but it was really hard. I know that God knows my heart, but somehow saying certain things out loud makes them seem so much more real.

  • I don’t want to say that I know this summer will teach me to trust the Lord, because that means I have to acknowledge that this summer will be really hard.
  • I don’t want to say that God’s in control, because that means this has a purpose. It’s hard, so I’d rather think it just happened randomly.
  • I don’t want to say that I need God, that without Him I can’t breath, because that means I’m not in control. And oh how I so want to be in control! 

But I’m finding that when I admit these things to the Lord, and even to other people, my heart softens a little bit each time.




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