only help my unbelief

As the hymnwriter said, our feelings come and go.

Today, though, my feelings have been joyful, and I’m thankful to the Lord for that.

I think it may be because in the midst of difficult family circumstances, God is granting me stronger faith that He will provide.

Or maybe it’s because in the wake of a terrible car wreck that left a sister in Christ in critical condition, I’ve seen the saints pray like warriors and the Lord provide healing.

It might even be because I’ve got someone in my life who is consistent when I am not, and who enjoys doing mundane things like going to the grocery store and watching movies with me.

I have a job. I have a family. I have a warm bed. And most importantly, Jesus has me.

My other blog has, sadly, gone the way of so many, at least for right now. I don’t know what happened, but yesterday I just realized I didn’t want to do it anymore.

I want to live life in the real world.

I have been feeling like I don’t have time for anything I really want to do, and blogging is no longer something I really want to do, at least not like that.

Have no fear, though. This blog is staying. But I will make no promises as to when I will blog, or how often I will blog, or what I will blog about.

I still need a place to write, and I like sharing stories of Christ’s love with those of you who read.

I can’t stay way completely, which is probably a sign of my overarching addiction.

In what seems like another life, I had a blog where I wrote about even more mundane things than I cover here. At the same time, I attempted to cover deep theological concepts – some that were controversial – and even engaged in some heavy debate with people who disagreed with me.

Sometimes I think about those times, and I laugh. Was that really me? How did I have time for that?

Truth be told, it was two summers ago when I lived with my dear friend Emily for three months. I had just started dating Christian, and his passion for the Reformed faith had caused mine to burn even hotter. Emily and I spent hours every night composing blog posts about election and total depravity and limited atonement.

When I started this blog (remember, originally it was Grace, Grammar and Good Eats), I wanted something lighter. Somewhere I could write about cooking and organizing and whatever I wanted. I did that at first, and I loved it, but suddenly I felt that there were more thoughts in me that I needed to get out, even if no one ever read them.

And so I moved over to brown eyed basics, where I’m enjoying increased readership, posts about cooking and organization and getting to know more people in the blogosphere.

Here, though, I have returned to my original blogging roots and written about God and loving Jesus and loving others. I haven’t written much of anything controversial, unless loving Jesus is controversial (and, I guess, the applications of that sometimes are).

But in the last couple of weeks, I’ve started thinking more and more about those topics I used to run into the ground on my previous blog. I’m not really interested in starting a Calvinism-Arminianism debate here at OHMU, and I probably don’t need to write out all my beliefs on limited atonement. But I want to write about keeping the Sabbath, which is controversial. And I want to write about birth control, which definitely gets people hot under the collar. And today I read a post at Challies.com about abortion. I was surprised to find that I actually disagreed with Tim Challies on a particular point of his position. And I want to write about it.

In some ways, it may seem silly that I’m tackling big topics like these when my main problem, doubt and unbelief, is not really resolved. But as I’m discovering through my “intervention,” thinking about things of the Lord keeps me close to Him, even when I’m struggling with unbelief. And being close to Jesus, my friends, is never bad.

So if you see me tackling bigger things, fear not. It’s still me.

Head on over to my other blog to see how you can help a ministry that serves girls in east Tennessee – for free.

I had to perform an intervention yesterday.

On myself.

After two Sundays of feeling like my heart was made of stone despite hearing powerful preaching, I knew it was time to act.

I believe that God changes hearts, and that He pursues us, and that the Holy Spirit is active in our lives.

I also know that James tells us to draw near to God, and He will draw near to us.

By Sunday night, I knew that it was time for me to draw near to God.

I kept thinking about the verse in Matthew where it says that in the last days, the love of many who say they love the Lord will grow cold.

Lord, don’t let my love grow cold.

And so the intervention occurred.

I spent some time Sunday evening downloading numerous sermons from Dr. Ferguson. I went through all the songs on my iPod and removed anything that I considered non-edifying.

(Before you think I’m so spiritual, my iPod only holds 4GB, so I had to delete a lot of songs in order to fit the sermons.)

I tried to wake up a little bit earlier – 15 minutes – Monday morning to read my Bible.

And so yesterday began. They were small things, but the Lord used His Word, and the humility and words of His preachers, and music He has inspired talented people to write to soften my heart, little by little.

This morning I found myself spontaneously bursting into prayer in the middle of a difficult situation. I can’t remember the last time that’s happened.

I’m not where I should be. I’m not even close. And I’m not saying any of you reading need to go delete all your cool 80s music off your iPod.

I’ve listened to five sermons in the past two days, hoping to fill my heart with Scripture and encouragement. I’m so tempted to just turn my iPod off rather than listen to another sermon, but God has been faithful.

He says His Word doesn’t return to Him void. He means it.

I found myself telling a friend going through something heartbreaking that she needed to stay in the Word and pray without ceasing. And then I felt like a complete hypocrite.

I can tell I’m rambling, so I’ll stop. But if you’re struggling with the same thing I am, then don’t waste any more time. Even if it tastes like sawdust to read or listen to the Word, let it be sawdust. God will turn it into bread.

I’ve been sorely neglecting this blog. I think that it’s mostly because I have all these things I think of to write about, so I feel like I have written about them. Then I look at my posts and realize I’ve only written one post in the last week.

My daily Elisabeth Elliott devotional really hit me this morning, so I thought I would share part of it:

A woman was asked to speak to the women students of a seminary about job opportunities for those with seminary degrees. She writes, “I talked to them first principally about being, doing, and going as God wills (not who am I, but whose am I). Then I listed both traditional and creative ways to fulfill needs in the Kingdom of God. Three feminists were offended especially that I should mention a nanny among the 70+ jobs. But Aristotle was a ‘nanny’ to Alexander the Great! These women had bought into the values of the world and were ready to fight for their ten years of executive computer programming. They said my talk had ‘put them down more than any man’s.’”

Theology means the study of God, but if an earned degree in that field confers a position in life which makes servanthood “beneath us” (three women felt “put down”), something is badly amiss. “The servant is not greater than his master,” Jesus said. “Once you have realized these things, you will find your happiness in doing them” (John 13:16,17).

At this point, I’m not using my degree and I sometimes am tempted to feel like I deserve to be doing something better than what I’m doing. But I know that God has good plans for my future, and right now I believe that they are (eventually) getting married to Christian and following him to whatever seminary he ends up at. These are not grandiose ambitions by the world’s standards, but I have to be careful not to start thinking that servanthood is “beneath me.”

It’s not beneath me to work in an office doing mostly mundane tasks, because I can do them for the glory of God.

It’s not beneath me to drop off my sister at her friend’s house, because that serves her and my parents and demonstrates the love of Christ.

It’s not beneath me to be passionate about teaching two-year-olds lessons from God’s Word, even when it seems like they don’t really understand.

And it’s not beneath me to wait patiently for God’s timing in my relationship with Christian, because in the meantime, He’s teaching me how to be faithful in the little things.

I’ve kind of surprised myself at how much blogging I’ve done since I started working, but the more I think about it, I’m realizing why.

My job is really, really great. The people are wonderful, my hours are very flexible in that I can take shorter lunches and leave early, and I have lots to do there.

But it’s not exactly stretching my mind. This is the first time that’s been the case in, well, forever. As difficult as school sometimes was, I really loved being in school. I’m not some sort of genius that has to have constant mental stimulation, but I do enjoy a challenge. Blogging is a challenge. Can I come up with things to write about? Will anyone read it?

I’ve become more and more entrenched in the little communities I’m part of online. Even though I don’t have thousands of readers, there are people whom I know in real life who read my blog, and I feel my relationships with those people are strengthened by me blogging. I really love that. I love feeling like I ‘know’ the people whose blogs I read. I know I don’t really know them. I know that it’s not the same as being with someone in person. But there’s something special about it.

I’m not exactly the most outgoing person, either. In crowds of people, I feel like I’m drowning. Even in smaller groups, I’m often scared to say what I’m really thinking or to really ‘be myself.’ That’s partly pride, partly insecurity and partly the way God has made me. He’s teaching me how to be more social, but I think there will always be a part of me that revels in the freedom blogging gives me.

I’ll be honest. Sometimes I write something and someone will bring it up later in person, and it’s really weird. I forget that they actually read what I write, and I’m content to leave it online. But I am a real, flesh-and-blood person, and what I write on my blog is how I’m feeling in reality.

I used to not want to admit that I prefer ‘being myself’ online than in person. But I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, as long as I’m willing to live with the consequences. I’m not ashamed of the things I write, and I hope God uses my words to glorify Himself.

I mean, seriously. I met my boyfriend online. That will forever be my legacy, and I can’t really get rid of it. Instead of pretending like it didn’t happen, I’d rather embrace it and praise God for blogging, because it lets me stretch my mind, be encouraged by others and, you know, meet my future husband.

On my other blog, I’ve got a guest post up about how to do Weight Watchers on your own. I’m trying it this week. We’ll see how it goes.